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First off the title is only a working one, I will probably change it later. No doubt there are still typo's and grammatical errors in the story which will be dealt with in the first major edit of the draft.
Do please note though that this is entirely in first draft form and I will most definately be revising the entire story once I've finished it. Also to add that this will be a LONG story and I am building towards the action, albiet slowly.
I envisage that this story will most likely be a trilogy but wihout divulging the major plot points, I can't tell you what is going to happen over the arc of the story
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.
First criticism coming to mind though is that you could use some blank lines between paragraphs to make everything a bit easier to read. Some sections are really looking like a wall of text, and finding where you left off after scrolling down a bit degrades the immersion factor.
So yeah... Blank line between paragraphs ^^;
----- "Watch your step... If you fall, you'll damage the floor."
I will be re-writing a fair bit of the last two posts/installments of the story as on reflection, I fell it it doesn't flow well enough for my liking and I've deviated a bit rom my original idea. That being, maintaining the mystery of why the soldiers have been transported over to the fantasy world. Having Eilistraee take possession of Mayumi to spur the soldiers into defiending her faithful is one thing but then her delivering all this exposition is unnecessary IMO. It's also poor writing as well
The new version will be better!
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.
figerd id post a proper comment talwyn so hear it is...commment!
but in all seriousness its a great story a D20 modern meets D&D i especily the the intercations betwwen the the eilistreans and the offworlders
my favrite secin was the celabation and its aftermath
Nice job Talwyn, nothing other then those blank lines already mentioned. Although, add more drama straight at the start of the story, it's always a winner that way
Indeed the opening needs to be re-worked. It's a matter of finding the right balance between introducing the characters and setting while at the same time keeping up a level of interest with drama.
I'm going to re-write some of the main characters as well.
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.
I'm considering a complete redraft of the story as it stands.
I've already been making notes on the story, characters etc and can see where things can definately been improved, tightened up and made more enjoyable and entertaining.
I'm contemplating ceasing writing the story as it is now and beginning the redraft. However I'm thinking that I should at least get the first draft completed before I begin the overhaul.
In any case, the story will continue, in one form or another
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.
Ok, first off, love the match up stories between the two mains characters; second, Talwyn, were you ever in the forces yourself, cause the way that you describe some of those scenes is just too real; and third, AWESOME! The level of detail in the story is just to epic.
In War, Justice; In Peace, Hope; In Death: Sacrifice
Characters:
