The Joke Thread

Rhei Lor'akris · Post by **Rhei Lor'akris** » Mon Feb 09, 2009 6:21 am

A math instructor is going over some basic concepts of functions in class.

Instructor: "So, there can be multiple X's going to a Y, but no multiple Y's going to an X. Now why can't there be multiple Y's to an X?"

Student: "Because X would be a two timer cheating ****er, thats why."

In reality, the real anwser is that it doesn't pass the vertical line test.

Arya Baenre · Post by **Arya Baenre** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 9:35 pm

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

Post by **Shir'le E. Illios** » Fri Feb 13, 2009 10:22 am

[i:32ixr9v4]<chuckles>[/i:32ixr9v4]

Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:42 am

I overheard five surgeons talking at the Pub the other night.

1st surgeon - I prefer to operate on accountants, everything is numbered.

2nd surgeon - I prefer to operate on librarians, everything is in alphabetical order.

3rd surgeon - I prefer to operate on electricians, everything is color coded.

4th surgeon - I prefer builders, at least they understand when thereare a few bits left over.

5th surgeon - I prefer politicians, they have no spine, no guts and their brains can be interchanged with their arses.

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:11 am

This is just too funny!

[youtube:11cn14ll]t5sTBrs4fhQ[/youtube:11cn14ll]

Post by **Shir'le E. Illios** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:24 am

Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le

Argoth · Post by **Argoth** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:35 pm

Alaric Darkrose · Post by **Alaric Darkrose** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 6:41 am

Wow. lmao

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Sun Feb 22, 2009 12:56 pm

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas - after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Argoth · Post by **Argoth** » Fri Feb 27, 2009 10:38 pm

After a few hours of doing nothing at work I found a program on the web that responds to what you are typing in, giving a very limited sense of conversation:

Eliza JS: Let's talk. My name's Eliza JS. Tell me about yourself.
Guest: Hi
Eliza JS: How do you do? What do you want to talk about?
Guest: How about a chat about the stupid cocksucking piece of shit that's standing in my room?
Eliza JS: Does that question interest you?
Guest: Indeed
Eliza JS: Go ahead. I'm listening...
Guest: I've already said it.
Eliza JS: What does that suggest to you?
Guest: That you're not listening to me.
Eliza JS: Does it please you to believe I am not listening to you?
Guest: Nothing pleases me, but you just acknowledged you weren't paying attention to what I've said, despite saying that you do pay attention to what I say.
Eliza JS: What is it that you really want to know?
Guest: Do you hear me?
Eliza JS: You're not really talking about me, are you?
Guest: Yes I am.
Eliza JS: Do you believe it's OK to be?
Guest: I believe it's not ok to make fools out of your interlocutors.
Eliza JS: Why not?
Guest: Because it's not nice to toy with others.
Eliza JS: Don't any other reasons come to mind?
Guest: I've just given you a pretty damn good reason.
Eliza JS: Why don't you just come out and say what you mean?
Guest: Ok, I think you're a stupid, idiotic machine, like the stupid cocksucking piece of shit that's standing in my room.
Eliza JS: Perhaps you would like to be a stupid, idiotic machine, like the stupid cocksucking piece of shit that's standing in your room...
Guest: That isn't quite what I had in mind by calling you names.
Eliza JS: What is it that you really want to know?
Guest: I think you've already asked me this question and it lead us to nothing.
Eliza JS: Are you sure?
Guest: Positive
Eliza JS: I'm not sure I understand you fully.
Guest: Posittive.
Eliza JS: What does that suggest to you?
Guest: Shit
Eliza JS: Can we please get this conversation out of the gutter?
Guest: No
Eliza JS: You are being a bit negative.
Guest: Yes
Eliza JS: I see. Tell me more.
Guest: Fuck
Eliza JS: Sorry, I don't appreciate profanity.
Guest: Jesus
Eliza JS: That's quite interesting. Go on...
Guest: Shit
Eliza JS: Sorry, I don't appreciate profanity.
Guest: God
Eliza JS: I see. Tell me more.
Guest: God is love
Eliza JS: I see. Tell me more.
Guest: No I won't
Eliza JS: Why not?
Guest: Bacause you're stupid.
Eliza JS: What makes you think I am stupid?
Guest: Your lame responses
Eliza JS: Why are you concerned about my lame responses?
Guest: Bacause they're lame.
Eliza JS: That's quite interesting. Go on...
Guest: You are a very interesting lame machine.
Eliza JS: Do you sometimes wish you were a very interesting lame machine?

http://abcguides.com/abcsoftware/eliza_js_frame.htm

There's the link, check it out for yourselves.

Post by **Shir'le E. Illios** » Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:33 am

Ah, dear ol' Eliza. If you weren't insane yet she'd sure drive you to it.

Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le

Argoth · Post by **Argoth** » Tue Mar 03, 2009 10:17 pm

Indeed. It was an interesting concept though. It was only to prove that psychoanalysis could be conducted all by oneself, if only one would want to think

And speaking of [url=http://www.weebls-stuff.com/onthemoon/O ... /:12kz41yl]insanity...[/url:12kz41yl]

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 5:24 am

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of -factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son… Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The Dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

“Cool, says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the Dad answers, “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks with bright eyes, picking up the 12 pack.

With a sigh, the Dad replied, “Those are for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March…”

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Wed Mar 04, 2009 5:28 am

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.

The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”

“Sure,” said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”

Eilistraee.com

The Joke Thread

Thought this one up