Comments on "Darksong"

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Sun Jun 21, 2009 9:50 pm

I'd like to use this space for feedback on my dark elf tales of Lothir. I created him as an NPC to use for plot hooks for the PC's, and to bolster the party, since they had no healer at the time, and his bardic healing spells were needed. First, for those who are interested, here's a little background.

I run a game set in a world I created called Anterris. It has a group of large islands that make up the Argonian Empire. It is ruled mostly by drow. They are unlike most drow in that they are seagoing, mainly pirates and brigands, and many have lost their light-blindness or never had it. However, they still make their homes in great cavern-cities that have access to the sea, either directly or through tunnels.

They also worship a variant version of Lolth, (known as Lothrenya) who not only rules over spiders, but other venomous creatures as well, such as scorpions, snakes, and even things like jellyfish, poison frogs, and the like. Thus she is called the Queen of Venom, and in addition to the spider's body Lolth is usually seen with, has a scorpion's tail, and the fangs and eyes of a snake. This makes her even more frightening than the "normal version of most other worlds.

Lothir is the only legitimate son of the current ruler of Argonia, a ruthless self-made "King" who was cursed to become a drow (my realm still does this if the elf commits crimes against his kin that are particularly heinous). He has somehow managed to aquire enough power and followers from among the disaffected males of several Houses to take control over most of Argonia. Naturally, not all the drow are happy about this, particularly the Matrons, who see it as an affront to their ways.

Lothir's House is the most powerful and well-defended, in spite of its relatively small size. Although it is ruled by his as Patron, most of the duties of governing it are left to his mother, since Aldan spends much of his time out warring and raiding on the sea. His mother is the Consort of the House, who is always scheming to take control from the "upstart" male, and thus rule over the entire nation.

He also has a half-sister, Morganna, who is a vicious, sadistic, and cold- hearted half-drow. She hates her younger brother with a homicidal passion that borders on madness. Her mother is a grey (Moon) elf slave named Ravyn, and Morganna is thus a bastard-child, and by custom cannot inherit or even take the House name. Naturally, she blames her brother's existance for this, believing that if he had never been born, she would be the heir.

Lothir is different from other drow, in that he has a very soft and innocent heart, and a deep love of music. This has been fostered in part by his relationship with Morganna's slave mother, Ravyn, who sees the potential in the boy for goodness, and who offers solace and comfort when she can. While his parents plot and try to manipulate him for their own ends- his mother wants to use him as a pawn in her plan to oust Aldan as House ruler, while Aldan simply wants to make his position permanent through succession- his sister would prefer to see him dead. This makes his inner nature even more perilous, since any one of them might see it as weakness and an excuse to kill or control him through whatever means neccessary.

Please, tell me what you think of the story, and leave comments here.

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Thu Jun 25, 2009 8:58 pm

Here's a quick game bio for him, in case anyone is interested.

Lothir E'Terrin'dar
Drow Bard 8(Swashbuckler gestalt)/Dervish 4/Spelldancer 2
(or, alternately, Battledancer 12- a class I created that mixes the abilities of the above classes,)
Chaotic Good
Religion: Eilistraee

str: 16
dex: 20 (23 with sabers active)
con: 18
int: 19
wis: 14
char: 19

BAB: +6/+1 Fort: 7 Refl: 14 Will: 15

AC: 21, Touch 1, FF: 15 HP: 54 Init: +8

Abilities: Bardic Music/Knowledge, Lyric Spell, Movement Mastery, Dervish Dance (2/d), Dance of Death, Countersong, Fascinate, Inspire Courage, Suggestion, Distracting Dance(replaces Inspire Competance), Shield of Blades, Drow Traits (Racial Abilities, etc.)
Note: Drow ability Dancing lights is replaced with Levitation

Feats: Weapon Finesse- Saber, Combat Expertise, Dodge, Mobility, Two-Weapon Fighting, Impressive Battledance, Spring Attack, Slashing Flurry, Weapon Focus- Saber, Cleave(in dervish only), Whirlwind Attack, Battle Dancer, Exceptional Tumbler

Flaws: Chivalrous Combatant- -1 to attak vs opposite sex; Timid-
-2 to initiative in combat

Skill Ranks: Perform (sing 10/strings 8/wind 4/dance 10), Balance 8, Tumble 8, Swim 5, Spellcraft 6, Concentration 6, Climb 6, Jump 6, Hide 4, Escape Artist 6, Diplomacy 6, Knowledge (arcana 6,history 6,religion 4,drow nobility 6), Listen 10, Sleight of Hand 4, sense Motive 4, Craft (alchemy 4) Spot

Physical: 5'5", 124 lbs, eyes- ice blue, hair- white, skin- jet black

Magic Items Worn/Carried: Sabers (Valor: +3 Keen Saber of Quickness) (Honor: +3 Keen Defending Saber); Holy Symbol of Eilistraee (Tears of the Moon- +2 AC, three wishes- only two remain); Flute of Puppies (2nd ed item- 1d6 enemies 4HD or lower polymorphed to puppies!!)

Spells: 0: Ghost Instrument, Cleanliness, Read Magic, Detect Magic, Stick, Songbird, Prestidigitaion, Amanuensis
1: Mimicry, Tickle Finger, Grace, Grease, Focusing Chant, Speedy Undress (Blue Magic- read Nymphology to learn what this is....), Animate Rope
2: Sonic Weapon, Alter Self, Animate Instrument, Calm Emotions, Animal Trance, Bonefiddle, Rapturous Touch (more Blue Magic- better not to ask), Harmonic Chorus
3: Sculpt Sound, Charm Monster, Listening Coin, Stunning Screech, Allegro
4: Battle Hymn, Choir, Shout, Cacophonic Shield, Fugue
5: Body Harmonic, Irrisistable Dance, Cupid's Arrow (more Blue Magic- the boy's full of 'em!)
6: Dirge, Nixie's Grace, Animate Object, Rapture of the Deep

He wears no armor, and no shield of any kind. Typically dresses in comfortable yet expensive fashion- silk, velvet, and fine leather noble outfits are his preferred style, usually with a full hooded cloak. He tends to dress in blues and greens, usually dark or muted shades, though a pale blue that matches his eyes is his favorite. He wears his hair long- to mid-back, in a low tail tied with a ribbon. He has a quiet yet almost regal bearing, with fine, youthful features, an open, friendly demeanor, and a merry gleam in his eyes. He smiles often, and is very mannerly and polite.

Personality-wise, Lothir is a bit of a prankster at times, though he can sometimes be morose and withdrawn. He is soft-spoken and rarely raises his voice, and only does so when provoked, usually cusring vehemantly in drowic at such times. He can seem timid and cautious around strangers, but is otherwise open and jovial with those he considers friends. He has a very innocent heart- is sometimes too quick to trust; but once betrayed, he is a dangerous opponent, especially when he enters his dervish dance.

Lothir is a follower of Eilistraee(naturally) and loves music and dance above all else. He is a gifted singer and dancer, with a talent for song-magic and the art of the battle-dance, which he can use to deadly effect, appearing to whirl and leap about in combat to the extent that his is not only very hard to hit, but his two sabers become a deadly blur of steel- much like a dark elf blender on puree! He can also use his bardic music while in the dance, making him highly effective in combat, using his skills to the fullest.

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:28 am

A good solid character profile.

I haven't yet read through your story but once I do, I wil give you feedback.

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:30 pm

Thank you. I'd be glad to read your comments!

Zzadrina Kel'Shri · Post by **Zzadrina Kel'Shri** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:10 am

I really like it, it has a good tone to it. However, it would be nice if you spaced out the paragraphs a bit more, as it can be a little hard on the eyes without space. Also, it seems really unlikely that a male in a drow society would be considered a higher station than a female, or even be called 'King'. Even Gromph Baenre, who was the archmage of the city of Mensoberranzan in the Starlight and Shadows trilogy was of lower station than the women.

Other than that, twas delightful.

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:29 am

Alright, I've had a chance to read through your tale Lothir and found it to be a good and original story.

I like how you have set it in a non D&D based realm and have created a new world in which to set your characters and their story. This enables you to go where ever you like, pursue different aspects such as having a drow King for instance.

Your style and prose are respectable and use of grammar was also good. One minor issue, use of capitalisation to give emphasis to the words. Now it's ok to do it very occasionally, such as to demonstrate the power of the statement, ie; "NO! DON'T DO IT!" shows the reader the importance and forcefulness of the sentance. You like to use it more librally in your prose which detracts from the reading. Instead of writing, "No, I said that YOU need to GO outside!", you can break it up and write it like this: "No, I said you," she raising her voice to a loud snarl as she glared at him, "need to go outside!" She banged her first down in anger.

It's a stylistic thing really and a minor point but it's what a lot of critics who read a lot will pick up on.

Keep on with the writing

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:53 pm

Okay, I'll reply to both posts at once here.

To Zzadrina: Yes, I am aware of the spacing problem- that seems to be the downfall of me trying to copy something over from Word or Works (which I actually prefer) onto a message board format. I can never seem to get the spacing to come out like it should. I've learned to live with it....

To Talwyn: Thanks for the feedback. I realize the caps thing is a bit unconventional, but it's sort of crept into my writing coutesy of my super-hero comic writing. Yes, that's right- I write comic book stories, too! I have an on-going series that I post on Marvel.com and Mickeys-Tavern (blatant plug- go read these! I'm known as MsMarvelDuckie on both sites) that revolves around my created character Red-Back, who is the mutant son of Spidey. When I write comic-style, I sometimes use the caps to show how the characters are actually speaking. I sometimes forget to go back to standard format for my other stories, which is why the caps creep.

And now for the exposition....

As to the question of how the whole "king" thing came about- the drow society in my game world (yes, Tal- it IS D&D based- just has my own little twist) is isolated on a group of islands across a rather dangerous sea from the main game continent. They were driven there thousands of years earlier, and in the time since, many have taken up seafaring- which is actually a more masculine endeavor. In other words, their society has evolved into a somewhat maritime one, leaning heavilty towards piracy.

How his father effectively took over is a nice little story in itself, one I do plan to delve into eventually, whether it be through background, or a side-story. Esentially, I took the idea of the original fall of the dark elves, and ran with it- ie, what would it be like if the ritual that created them was still used?

Thus, I actually have two seperate types of drow- those who are born (descended from "true" ones) and those who have done something so heinous against their elven kin that they are submitted to the same ancient ritual that created the first drow. Aldan (Lothir's father) was one of these. He has since taken it on himself to basically gain enough followers among the drow to form a massive army to go back to his former home and destroy it. In true drow spirit, naturally!

To this end, he has formed his own House, allied it to one of the major ones in the largest drow city, and then proceeded to stage a major coup throughout the Houses. At the time of this story, over half have joined him, overthrowing their Matrons and taking over. He has also created a sort of "super-thives guild" that spans most of the world in one way or another. He is also the most notorious pirate in the entire realm- one rather nasty guy, with a huge chip on his shoulder and a really bad attitude.

This is not to say that the Matrons are happy with the situation. Most would do anything to go back to the old status quo, but at present they have lost too much power to attempt to take it back. So they sort of sit and stew- paybacks for all those centuries of oppressing the males, natch! In some Houses they still rule, but over half have now converted to Patrons, and even some of Lolth's priests have grudgingly accepted a lower status for the time being, if it means they can still plot their resurgence later.

Into this picure of utter chaos (remember, Lolth LOVES chaos!) is born the boy who is an unwilling pawn in the schemes of his parents. One wants to use him as a puppet, the other is grooming him to be the next Harry Osborne, er, I mean, to join in the "family business". (Anyone who reads Spidey will get the joke there...) A rather unhappy child, to say the least. Ignored and abused by his family, isolated from others, and basically very lonely and sensitive. Rather like a drow version of Harry Potter, but with bardic abilities,

(And no, that was not my inspiration, and neither was Drizzt. He just sort of sprouted as an NPC and a supposedly minor character in another story who has since become one of my faves.)

On a side note, if you are wondering about the names I used for my gods, they are slightly altered, but otherwise are the same deities most are familiar with. The biggest change was Lolth herself. I added Poison as one of her domains, and changed her aspect slightly to reflect this. So now she is queen of spiders, scorpions, and lots of other venomous, crawly, and squishy things....

Okay, I've rambled on long enough. Shutting up now....

Zzadrina Kel'Shri · Post by **Zzadrina Kel'Shri** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:59 pm

Yay, rambling!

Alright, good explanation...the whole king thing just wasn't coinciding with my ideas on drow..Nice job. ^^

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:45 pm

Thanks! I do love me drow, and I always thought they'd make great pirates. Naturally, for that to work, I had to tweak a few things in their society. I'm about to start a new campaign set in Terrillis (the main city) that involves a house war, some pirating adventures, and some dungeon crawling. I'll let everyone know how it goes...

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Wed Sep 16, 2009 12:43 am

*sigh* Isn't anyone going to comment? I've added quite a bit to the story lately, yet I haven't seen any feedback on how it's progressing. Like it? Hate it? Somewhere in between? Too bland or too risque? Please let me know!!! That's what this thread is for!!

NyssaRilynana · Post by **NyssaRilynana** » Tue Nov 03, 2009 7:39 pm

I love it. I think you used a quite unique twist on the drow society. My twist is twist, but not courageous as yours. It seems like it would be a lot of fun to play.

I like that you made Lolth more scary. The added attributes make her more menacing. LOVE IT!!!

Once I started reading, i couldn't stop. Its very creative.

Yeah, the king thing throws you a little, but I guess I understood it because one of my other character bios (one that's not on here) I've been playing with the idea that not every drow city is ruled by Lolth worshiping priestesses. For instance, Sshamath is ruled by a Conclave of male sorcerers...anyway. I loved it.

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Wed Nov 04, 2009 12:46 am

Hey, thanks! I'm glad to see people are enjoying it. This is actually one of the biggest hooks in my game world. The conflict between the nation of Argonia and the rest of the world- or at least the part of it they come into contact with- sets the feel for a large part of the adventuring. There are, of course, small enclaves of Eilistraee- worshippers on the mainland, but they are very isolated, and very few surface dwellers know they even exist. The Underdark on the mainland is mostly home to derro, duergar, and deep gnomes, so the drow have truly become "mysterious menaces" that most people never see, and only ever hear about in old legends or scary stories.

There is, however, one major tale involving them that many in the world have heard. An entire city was overrun by them hundreds of years ago, led by priestesses of (my version of) Kiaransalee. The people were slaughtered, and many were raised as undead by the priestesses. In a final stand, the last survivors took refuge in a temple of Sorden, who is the "ruler" of the gods, and is much like a cross between Krynn's Paladine and Zues of the Olympic pantheon. His priests cast down a curse that prevented the drow from ever leaving the city- but it was so powerful that it affected ANYONE who entered, so that now anyone who steps inside the walls of that city (called Delagorn) can never leave, and even death does not free them from the curse. Needless to say, it is now crawling with undead, both human and drow! Really creepy place....

I also have a sort of Council of dragons, that meets every half-century or so, and consists of the most ancient member of each of the draconic races. One of these, a ginormous "advanced" red named Helstrom, figures in many of my adventures, as he is currently seeking godhood as a way to avoid the Dragon's Twilight. I have a story involving him, as well as his alliance with Lothir's half-sister Morganna (she worships Tiamat, for some odd reason- apparently dragons are the only beings she respects...) I will eventually be posting that one up, once the current tale is finished.

NyssaRilynana · Post by **NyssaRilynana** » Wed Nov 04, 2009 6:45 pm

very cool. and compelling. and inspiring.

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Thu Nov 05, 2009 12:05 am

Dargons and Drow- can't think of a better combination!! They're my two fave D&D "monsters".

Aylstra Illianniis · Post by **Aylstra Illianniis** » Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:14 pm

If anyone is still reading the tale, I'd love a little input! I've noticed the views count gone way up, but nobody posts comments!