Chuck Norris Jokes

[Narsia Ny'Dhun]

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

When chuck Norris does long division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

One time Chuck Norris was having sex on a tractor and some of his sperm went into the gas tank. we now know that tractor as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. In fact, you'll be lucky if you make it out alive.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Nobody slaps Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because it knows Chuck Norris is looking for it.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Nobody slaps Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because it knows Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

[Tarlyn]

Cute, Narsia. Though I think that Chuck takes the sandpaper one step further and uses a sander and acid to remove it

[Shir'le E. Illios]

Hmmm, let me try my hand at this...


The only game Chuck Norris can't win is Solitaire.

Chuck Norris can never break a mirror, because his mirror image fights back with equal force, canceling out the hit.

Chuck Norris is never late for work; work is late for Chuck Norris.


Ok, so I suck at this.


Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le

[Narsia Ny'Dhun]

A valiant effort nonetheless!

[Malek]

If Chuck Norris is late for a meeting, then time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris wins Texas Hold 'Em with five of a kind.

If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards you can hear Chuck Norris banging your mom.

If you misspell Chuck Norris's name in Google, it doesn't say "Oh, sorry. Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It says, "You better start running."

When entering a room, Chuck Norris doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

When God said, "Let there be light," Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

[Shir'le E. Illios]

Oooh, nice ones.

Let me try another one...


Chuck Norris doesn't have to move, the space-time continuum bends to accommodate him being in a new location.





Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le

[Kaele]

[color=indigo:3d3x1h1o]Is this the thread where I admit I don't like Chuck Norris?! [/color:3d3x1h1o]

[Narsia Ny'Dhun]

Feel free

[Malek]

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He lies on his stomach and gently pushes the Earth down.

One time, Chuck Norris got an erection while lying on his stomach. He struck oil.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

[Argoth]

God said : Let there be light!
Chuck Norris said: You have to say "please".

[Malek]

Nice one Argoth...no wait, I already said that one.

[Argoth]

O sorry. Didn't see that one.

[Thalon Mercrow]

chuck norris is worryed about our dwwindling oil reserves so he promsed to stop drinking

[Rooky]

When Chuck Noris farts planet's explode.

[Argoth]

Good one.