The Joke Thread

This forum is to post all the fun, weird and wonderful things you come across on your travels (on the Internet). Movies, flash, pictures, stories… if you think it's something enjoyable and want to share it with the rest of us then this is the place to post it.

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Thalon Mercrow
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Post by Thalon Mercrow »

nice Talwyn :roll: but i cant help but feel as if iv seen this list from some where...
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Post by veraka »

Aww, who cares, it is SO true, especially #'s 4-4, 6, and 9. epic :lol:
In War, Justice; In Peace, Hope; In Death: Sacrifice
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Veraka

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

[quote="Thalon Mercrow":2ufe1jpn]nice Talwyn :roll: but i cant help but feel as if iv seen this list from some where...[/quote:2ufe1jpn]

it's highly likely that it's been posted but I wasn't going to go through all the previous entries to check
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Zarae Zyne Kilanatlar
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Post by Zarae Zyne Kilanatlar »

Four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, & Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could of done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could of done!
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Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind
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Post by Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind »

Message from the pedants' club (no, not the pedantic society, the [i:3pg34yi6]pedants' club[/i:3pg34yi6]): It's Greek, and spelled 'poly!'

*ahem* Sorry, couldn't resist the chance to showcase this. It's my response to someone saying "Here from the pedantic society are we?" I just give them an exasperated stare and say "Pedants' club. get it right."


Aaaaaanyway:
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum [i:3pg34yi6]Tsch![/i:3pg34yi6]
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Shir'le E. Illios
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Post by Shir'le E. Illios »

[quote="Talwyn Aureliano":e7s0d3r2]:devil:

Things Found Only in America[/quote:e7s0d3r2]
11. Only in America... do they think that list applies only in America. :p

Honestly, I think most of them are true in most (Western) places.

Funny nonetheless. :)


Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le
F'sarn natha tithaur wun l'su'aco.

-= Shir'le E. Illios =-
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Post by Zarae Zyne Kilanatlar »

[quote="Shir'le E. Illios":1fkl0rcf][quote="Talwyn Aureliano":1fkl0rcf]:devil:

Things Found Only in America[/quote:1fkl0rcf]
11. Only in America... do they think that list applies only in America. :p

Honestly, I think most of them are true in most (Western) places.

Funny nonetheless. :)


Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le[/quote:1fkl0rcf]

so where is the boss from?
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Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind
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Post by Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind »

I named my dog sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing for me. When I went to city hall to get him a licence I told the clerk that I would like a licence for sex. He said, "I'd like one too!" Then I said "But this a dog!" He said " I don't care what she looks like." I said "You don't understand, I've had sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took the dog along with us. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, myself and special one for sex. He said "That every room was for sex." I said "You don't understand sex keeps me up at night." He said "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran off. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing and looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand!" I said; "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off!

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before we were married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him how after I was married, Sex left me. He said "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off yet again, I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop eventually came over and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4:30 in the morning?" I said "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.
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Post by Inriiaynrae Jaelre »

if anyone has a social network site (facebook or myspace, ect):

Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Our wish for 2010 is that people will understand that being eaten by dragons is nothing to be ashamed of. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and truly terrifying. 93% won't copy and paste this... They've been eaten by dragons!
Main character: Inriiaynrae
Second Character: Ariali
Antagonist: Alya
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

An elf walks into a salon wile wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut and style, under one condition - that the stylist not remove his headphones. The stylist reluctantly agrees and does his hair.

Every week the elf returns for more styling and a trim, and continually insists on wearing the headphones while being styled. After several weeks, the stylist becomes increasingly frustrated.

One day, while the elf is in her chair, she removes the headphones and continues to style his hair. After about a minute, the elf falls over dead! Panicing, the stylist examines the elf, thinking that she must have acciendly stabbed him or something. Finding on injuries she investigates the mysterious headphones. Putting them to her ears to listen she hears....

"Breathe in.......... Breathe out...........Breathe in .........Breath out"



How do you get an elf into a tree?
Use a catapult


How do you get him back out?
Use a shotgun


Some of the shortest books ever written:
1. Elvish Book of Wisdom
2. Elven Victories Through the Ages
3. Elven Logic


How many elves does it take to screw in a light bulb.....

none - they just think happy thoughts until their crystals glow

elves don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in trees.

One. He holds the bulb and the world to revolves around him.

10. One to screw it in, one to write a song about it and 8 more to sing and dance.

Anatomy of an Elven attack

Elrond comes to Mordor to conquer the Orcs. He brings 4,000 elves with him. As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ugly orc in chainmail.
"Lord of the Elves?" yells the orc on the hill. "Come up here, ya pointy eared girlie boys, and I'll give ya what for!"

Elrond turns to his commander. "Send 20 elves to deal with that little pathetic orc!", he says. The commander sends twenty of his best elves over the hill to kill the orc. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the orc appears again. "Ya Elvish panty wastes!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!!"

Elrond is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his comander. "Send 100 elves to kill that little guttersnipe!" The commander sends a hundred elves over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the orc appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ya Evish SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya Elvish pansies!!"

Elrond losses patience. "Commander, take 400 elves and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!", he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred elves on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the orc is back. His clothing is all torn and his face is covered in blood. "Is that the best ye can do??? You fight like hobbits!!! Come on!!", he yells.

Elrond turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 elves over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands. The second in command gathers the elves and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the Elven troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Your Majesty!! he yells. "It's a trap!!!
There's TWO of them!!!
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

What do you call 15 orcs in a room?

A full set of teeth.



Saruman is looking for a birthday present for his master Sauron, so he goes shopping in Bree. He looks all over, but can't find anything he really likes. He wants to get Sauron something original, not the usual flowers or chocolates or socks. He is about to give up when he discovers a little antique shop, and decides to go in.
Inside, he spots a brass model of a rat.
"That looks perfect!" He thinks, because Sauron collects brass models, and doesn't have one of a rat. He asks the shopkeeper how much it is
"Ten silver pieces for the statue," replies the shopkeeper "and one hundred silver pieces for the story that goes with it."
"One hundred silver pieces!" says Saruman "That's a bit steep! I'll just have the statue."
So he pays the shopkeeper and leaves.
As he leaves Bree, he notices something strange. Rats are pouring out from the gutters and following him. He keeps walking, and soon all the rats in Bree are coming after him. He speeds up, and the rats speed up too. He gets out into the countryside, and more rats keep coming. Soon all the rats of Arnor, Rivendell and Lothlorien are following him. Saruman reaches Mordor, and all the rats from Mirkwood, Gondor and Rohan have joined the crowd. Saruman breaks into a run - all the rats in Middle Earth are pelting after him. He reaches Mount Doom, and in a panic flings the brass rat into the fire.
The masses of rats hurl themselves into the pit of Mount Doom, jumping to their deaths like deranged lemmings.
Finally, the last rat jumps in and Saruman is left standing alone. He goes back to Bree and into the antique shop.
"Ah, I thought you'd be back," says the shopkeeper, knowingly "You've come for the story, haven't you?"
"Sod the story!" says Saruman "Have you got a brass elf?"
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

A young and somewhat inexperienced Legolas went duck hunting in the Shire. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the elf climbed over the fence, an elderly Hobbit walked up and asked him what he was doing.

Legolas responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant elf replied, "I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll send for my escort waiting in the wood not far from here who will take all you own and burn your hole."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in the Shire. We settle small disagreements like this with the Hobbiton Three Kick Rule."

Confused Legolas asked, "What is the Hobbiton Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

Legolas quickly considered the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly walked up to the proud elf. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the elf’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on Legolas' nose. He[Legolas] was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

Summoning every bit of his will, Legolas managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar in Bree and find their way to a bar stool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear an elf joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky,
deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, you should know something. The bartender is an elf, the bouncer is an elf and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.
elf with incredible sword skills . What's more, the
person sitting next to me is an elf and he's the most skilled archer in Middle-Earth. The lady to your right is an elf, and she's the Queen of Lothlorien."

"Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell
that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

) An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.

The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.

The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya b@stard! Spit it out!"


2) Did you hear about the Mage that got arrested for drink driving?

He had his licience evoked.


3) Q: How many Dwarves does it take to light a street oil lamp?

A: 300, 1 king to command, and 299 engineers to argue about logistics


4) A human, an elf, and a dwarf are all contracted to build a palace for the great Sultan of the Efreet. Unfortunately, the massive dome collapses and the efreet's harem is crushed to death. Furious, the Sultan orders all three to be executed by beheading.

The human is dragged by the efreet's servants to a massive obsidian guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free."

Next the elf is dragged to the guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free."

Finally, the dwarf is dragged to the guillotine. Just before his head is about to be locked in the stocks he looks up and says,

"Ach. I see the problem!"


5) Q: Whats the hairiest side of a Bugbear?

A: The Outside

Q: What has two legs and bleeds?

A: Half a Goblin

Q: Why did the Goblin fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead

Q: Why did the tree fall over?

A: It was nailed to the goblin.

6) Party Quote of the Week: "We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"

7) How do you confuse a barbarian?

Put a greatsword a maul and a greataxe in a room and ask them to take their pick

8)Q. How do you stop a wizard from drowning?

A. Take your foot off his head


9) Why should you never ask a dwarf to pay for the drinks?
Cos hes always a little short!


A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "What's this?"
The warrior replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin'"
The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck"
The warrior looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!!!!!!!!!"
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

A human woman comes home and finds her human husband in bed with a female halfling. Furious, she screams "You promised me you wouldnt cheat on me again!"
The husband yells back "Oh for fucks sakes luv! Cant you see I'm trying to cut down?"
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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