The Joke Thread

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

A Human, an Elf and a Dwarf are working on constructing the new vault in House K. When it comes to lunchtime and their breaks they climb to teh very top of the vault and sit along the edge enjoying the stunning views accross Stormreach.

Well one day they climb up at lunchtime and sit down to unwrap their food. The Human takes out his meal and looks at it with a woeful stare.... "You know guys, we have been doing this vault job for nearly 4 years now. Everyday is the same, lift this, hammer that... and what makes it worse? Every single day i get bl**dy tasty ham sandwiches. I tell the wife i don't like tasty ham and what do i get? TASTY HAM! I just can't see the point. If i get 1 more tasty ham sandwich tomorrow i'm ending it. Game over." He then walks off....

The Elf unwraps his food and looks at his lotus leaf salad. "WTF??? How many times do i have to eat this rubbish? When will my wife inject some variety!!! Every day is dire! That Human was right, what's the point in life when it's so stagnant like this. I'm killing myself tomorrow if she makes this lunch again." He throws his food off the edge and walks off"

The Dwarf unwraps his food and lets out a snarl... " Grrrr not Goblin steak again. Why oh why oh why is it always Goblin Steak??? Those guys are right, i'm not sure i can take it anymore...." He leaves his lunch and walks off.

The next day the trio head up to the top of the vault again. The human unwraps his food, takes a glance, wipes a tear from his eye and chucks himself off the tower to his death. Tasty ham sanwiches yet again.

The Elf nervously unwraps his food... Salad???? He says a aquick prayer, shakes his head and plummets to his death.

The Dwarf unwraps his food, yells out in anger and catapults himself off to the ground hundreds of feet below, killing him instantly. Goblin Steaks AGAIN.

The day of the trios funerals arrive and their wives are at the graveside. The human wife, in tears... " But b-b-b but he never said anything was wrong. I thought he l-l-l loved t-t-t tasty ham. If only he had said......".

The elven maiden looks at the grave of her husband "Why did i not take any notice. To think all of this happened because i tipped him over the edge with the monotony of life. All i had to do was change his food...."

The Dwarven wife says "But i just don't get it... he makes his own lunch...."
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Rhei Lor'akris
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Post by Rhei Lor'akris »

How many priests does it take to change a street lamp?

Answer?

A Overzealous fanatic to swing his mace and bash the lamp apart. A young green eared acolyte to replace it with a brand new one, and the experienced old fart to mutter a few quick blessings upon it.


A different varient:

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer?

One to debate why we need to replace it by using truth tables and other forms of symbolic logic. Another to counterargue why should they? The last to reason if light bulbs truly exist.
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

I can't recall if this old email joke meme was posted up before but here it is again :p



The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels -from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind
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Post by Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind »

How many REAL MEN does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't be stupid, REAL MEN aren't afraid of the dark!

The adventurer's almanac motto #234:
If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and acts like a duck, it is almost certainly a wizard in disguise!

Failed character concepts: Minotaur Bard. "I've got a fever, and the only cure is MORE COWBELL!"

Vetoed monster concepts: The 'invincible' Vampire Medusa. It has no reflection.

Famous last words: "Who's that busty MILF with the spiders? You think she's single?"

Alternate last words: "Yeah, but I bet you're a total puss without Mjolnir!"

More last words: "What?! That owl was your animal companion? No, no! I haven't seen it for a while.
.....
Drumstick?"
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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

[quote="Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind":pkn1kuff]

[b:pkn1kuff]Famous last words: "Who's that busty MILF with the spiders? You think she's single?"[/b:pkn1kuff][/size:pkn1kuff]
[/quote:pkn1kuff]

LMAO![/size:pkn1kuff] :lol: :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

I was sipping my rum and soda when read this and SNORKED!

Dam that one was funny! :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Total Victory!
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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T'riss'ae_d'wylthen
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Post by T'riss'ae_d'wylthen »

Here's a really funny one someone emailed to me a while back. Enjoy!

A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover. Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife. "Honey, there's a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife." He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye. After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.

His son is in the kitchen and as he's eating his huge breakfast the guy asks the son what all this is about.

"Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she's trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said, 'Get off me lady, I'm married.' "
T'risstree Helviiryn
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Post by T'risstree Helviiryn »

Twelve catholic priests were about to be ordained in the seminary.
Their final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced provokingly before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, the youngest one Carlos. He was really still a teenager but he was devout and eager and becoming a priest was all he’d ever thought about since he was a small boy

Poor Carlos! As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Highly embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring....
L'''' ghefna i''''dol ulu doera natha wael zhah talinth dosstan mzild bekea taga byrren
clicky2cme
Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind
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Post by Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind »

So these two dwarves walk past a tavern. . .
Pffft. Yeah right!

There's two dwarves standing looking at around armour in the blacksmith's store. One of them points to a suit of meteoric plate and says. "Tha's the one I'd git." Upon hearing this the blacksmith, a Cyclops, came over and kicked his teeth in.
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Arya Baenre
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Post by Arya Baenre »

Children in the front seat of a car can cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children.

If you believe the quickest way to a man's heart is by his stomach, you're aiming a little too high!

Never drink while driving - you could spill your beer!

Your future depends on your dreams. So don't waste any time - go to bed now!



1 . If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2 . Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a vegetarian . Think about it .
3 . Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the Admiration!
4 . Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude . Keep on rocking!
5 . Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
6 . He was a good man .. He never smoked, drank had no affair . When he died,the insurance company refused the claim . They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
7 . A woman threw her husband in a pond of Crocodiles . She's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles! (switched this one a tad :devil:)
8 . So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!
9 . Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest has girlfriends!
10 . All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or Married to someone else!
11 . 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving .
This makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
This --->Image<--- is NOT a request.


Your hair is pretty like a tree.
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

The guys over at Rooster Teeth have put a video together featuring a phone call from Mel Gibson to Nico Bellic from Grand Theft Auto

:devil:


[youtube:1qg8nfax]UtQM3ZoSuCk[/youtube:1qg8nfax]
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of DOOM!

[youtube:zzsb7vc3]O7xwFgnGTYw[/youtube:zzsb7vc3]
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Kiaransalyn
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Post by Kiaransalyn »

A dash of British humour. I was going to post a clip with Papa Lazarou, but it's a bit too dark. This is rather jolly though.

[youtube:2xbmm8v7]axDtj2bSduM[/youtube:2xbmm8v7]
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Ahh good old Red dwarf ;)

Still funny after all these years 8)


And now this:


The Alternative to Naked body Scanners: ScanWoW!


Is your body too embarassing to be seen on the airport naked body scanners?

Then get NEW ScanWoW! [/size:28pn9bft]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=e78_1279630625&p=1
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Kiaransalyn
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Post by Kiaransalyn »

That's brilliant! Thanks for that.
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Your welcome :)

Now one of my heroes, Mr Spike Milligan 8)

pure genuis



[youtube:3m83fuow]p-IU-NQ8c14[/youtube:3m83fuow]
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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