The Joke Thread

[Merinid Tlin'orzza]

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. - Groucho Marx

[Argoth]

That is very true.

[Talwyn Aureliano]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinse Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'.

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinse Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave soles'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they fucking play at night?'

[Narsia Ny'Dhun]

Oh I liked that one.

[Talwyn Aureliano]

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[Alaric Darkrose]

That is awesome.

[Shir'le E. Illios]

[quote="Talwyn Aureliano":34qni1uy]With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang[/quote:34qni1uy]


Nice.


Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le

[Talwyn Aureliano]

A morality tale


One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "Don't f**k with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

[Talwyn Aureliano]

30 Deadly Quotes

A research made by St. Peter revealed the 30 most common quotes before death

1 - Cut the red wire, I'm sure!

2 - Go ahead, it will sustain another step...

3 - What happens if I press this button?

4 - I'll light a match...

5 - Don't touch nothing!

6 - This will be a close one!

7 - You can count on me...

8 - Don't pull the pin!

9 - It's an easy surgery...

10 - You're not man enough to do this!

11 - Ahhh! What doesn't kill, makes you fat!

12 - What are you talking about, man? I'm just the plumber!

13 - I'll accuse you!

14 - Say, doctor, it's serious?

15 - This plane is going down too fast!

16 - Only one remains...

17 - Hole? What hole?

18 - Sneeze! (Inside the closet)

19 - Go on! It will work!

20 - Let's go here, it's faster

21 - Don't worry, I know how to swim...

22 - I can see a light on the end of the tunnel approaching quickly...

23 - Go or break!

24 - Relax... It won't hurt!

25 - Remain calm, in the end everything will be alright!

26 - There's no cars passing, you can cross...

27 - It's nothing what you're thinking about, I can explain it!

28 - Shoot! Shoot! I want to see if you're a man!

29 - What does that sign say?

And the best one:

30 - All right woman... I'll let you drive...

[Talwyn Aureliano]

Murphy's laws of combat operations...

** Friendly fire - isn't.
** Recoilless rifles - aren't.
** If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
** Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
** If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
** Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
** The easy way is always mined.
** Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
** When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
** No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
** No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
** If the enemy is within range, so are you.
** Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
** The one item you need is always in short supply.
** Interchangeable parts aren't.
** The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
** Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
** No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
** Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
** There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

[Talwyn Aureliano]

[b:g6c3ehk6]2 cows out in a field. One says "Moo", and the other said "You bastard, I was gonna say that!"[/b:g6c3ehk6]



[b:g6c3ehk6]2 sausages in a frying pan. One says "Damn, its hot in here." The second says "Wow, a talking sausage!"[/b:g6c3ehk6]

and finally....


An American decides to go on a holiday to New Zealand. While driving across the country, he sees a farmer with a paddock full of sheep. He pulls over, and walks up to the farmer.

"Hey, if I tell you exactly how many sheep you have, will you give me one?"

The farmers suprised by the sudden bet, but he reckons why not.

The American goes back to his car, and gets his satellite phone, laptop, GPS system and PDA, and gets to work. About 2 hours later, he goes back to the farmer.

"Ok, you've got exactly 286 sheep there."

The farmer nods, and says "Yep, thats right. I agreed to the bet, so you can have your pick."

The American goes into the field, selects a sheep, and carry's it back to his car. Halfway there, the farmer stops him.

"Tell you what, if I can guess what your profession is, you give me that thing back."

"Ok, what do I do?"

"You're a consultant."

The American is stunned, then nods. "How did you guess?"

"Easy, you came out of nowhere, did a lot of complex work that I didn't ask for, gave me an answer I already knew, expected payment for it, while knowing absolutly nothing about my business. Now give me back my sheepdog."

[Shriarra]

LOL that sheep one was [i:1rp4q9yu]great[/i:1rp4q9yu].

[Alaric Darkrose]

[quote="Talwyn Aureliano":15jpskl9]Murphy's laws of combat operations...

** Friendly fire - isn't.
** Recoilless rifles - aren't.
** If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
** Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
** If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
** Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
** The easy way is always mined.
** Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
** When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
** No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
** No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
** If the enemy is within range, so are you.
** Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
** The one item you need is always in short supply.
** Interchangeable parts aren't.
** The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
** Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
** No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
** Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
** There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.[/quote:15jpskl9]

*hands you a bowl of cookie dough* Yes, yes. I have to agree with those.

[Unen_Stealthfoot]

[quote="Talwyn Aureliano":1yxeio0v]Murphy's laws of combat operations...

** Friendly fire - isn't.
** Recoilless rifles - aren't.
** If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
** Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
** If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
** Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
** The easy way is always mined.
** Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
** When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
** No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
** No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
** If the enemy is within range, so are you.
** Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
** The one item you need is always in short supply.
** Interchangeable parts aren't.
** The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
** Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
** No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
** Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
** There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.[/quote:1yxeio0v]

[color=darkred:1yxeio0v]Where'd you get those? Strategypage.com?

The sheep one was good.

You forgot two of the "famous last words":
"OOOHHHHH, SH*T!"
and:
"Awww..... you gotta be kiddin' me...." [/color:1yxeio0v]

[Talwyn Aureliano]

Hi Unen, I got those jokes from The BearPit.com, a webpage devoted to the game Jagged Alliance.

You were right to include those last two remarks


And now a joke which I posted at the BearPit but have modified for this thread.



[color=blue:3txy4b8r]Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first guy had married a human woman and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The next man had married a woman an Elven woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Drow girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, put on the laundry and to get a handyman to come over.[/color:3txy4b8r]