The Joke Thread

[Argoth]

Just look closer at the link posted, copy paste it without the final [/youtube]

[Talwyn Aureliano]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, insomniac, Agnostic??

He stayed awake all night wondering if there was a DOG!

[Talwyn Aureliano]

Below you’ll find my top 10 favorite sex quotes of all time, spoken by famous people you might (or might not) have expected to say ‘em. Here they are, in no particular order, drumroll please…

“You know ‘that look’ women get when they want sex? Me neither.” ~ Steve Martin

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she’s reading.” ~ Steve Jobs

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” ~ Camille Paglia

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” ~ Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” ~ Billy Crystal

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” ~ Tom Clancy

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” ~ Rod Stewart

“Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” ~ Robin Williams

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” ~ Robin Williams

[Talwyn Aureliano]

How to serve chicken wings to a man





[img:2etz1ho8]http://www.imagefreehost.com/files/0903 ... 63849.jpeg[/img:2etz1ho8]

[Talwyn Aureliano]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks - rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

[Talwyn Aureliano]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."







I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"








Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'








A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy

Shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'







I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Lite for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.






A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'







I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."







My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'







After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'







When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.






My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...





My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

[Talwyn Aureliano]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

[Talwyn Aureliano]

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes, Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[Talwyn Aureliano]

IN THE CONFESSION BOX

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."


A SMALL SERVICE ONE SUNDAY MORNING


A husband and wife attend a small service at the local church one Sunday morning. The man was very moved by the preacher's sermon, so he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Reverend replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself... it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend replied, "Sir, please, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, that I put $5,000 in the collection plate."

The Reverend's eyes opened wide as he remarked, "No Shit!"



A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie...'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her and the official asked: 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so enquired: 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused!' Roaring with laughter, the official said: 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[Talwyn Aureliano]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".
The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the
decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have" says the fellow.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has" says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen".

[Talwyn Aureliano]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:

[img]Always%20keep%20your%20condoms%20in%20your%20car.[/img]

[Talwyn Aureliano]

National security levels [/size:7ihf25db]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels -from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[Talwyn Aureliano]

This is priceless


[warning - lots of swearing]


[youtube:23og5zq0]V8wxwqtRgSk[/youtube:23og5zq0]

[Arya Baenre]

Those are awesome, Tal.





After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women; she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,


Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.


[b:1e60qzcr]#1 June 15:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

[b:1e60qzcr]
#2 July 2:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

[b:1e60qzcr] #3 July 7:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

[b:1e60qzcr] #4 July 19:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."


[b:1e60qzcr] #5 August 4:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

[b:1e60qzcr]#6 August 14:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

[b:1e60qzcr] #7 August 15:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

[b:1e60qzcr]#8 August 23:[/b:1e60qzcr]
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


[b:1e60qzcr] #9 September 4:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

[b:1e60qzcr]#10 September 10:[/b:1e60qzcr]
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.


[b:1e60qzcr]#11 October 3:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

[b:1e60qzcr]#12 October 6:[/b:1e60qzcr]
In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

[b:1e60qzcr]#13 October 18:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

[b:1e60qzcr]#14 October 21:[/b:1e60qzcr]
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least.

[b:1e60qzcr]#15 October 23:[/b:1e60qzcr]
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

[Talwyn Aureliano]

LMAO

good one Arya