1. What are three little words you'll never hear a man say?
"I'll get it"
2. What are three little words you'll never hear a man say?
"It's my turn."
3. What are three little words you'll never hear a man say?
"Can I help?"
4. What do you call a man with a vasectomy?
A humanitarian.
5. What's the difference between an attractive woman and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to deal with one butthole at a time.
6. What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted.
7. How long can a man live without a brain?
Depends. How old's your husband?
8. What does a man say after his third orgasm?
"Don't you guys believe me?"
9. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
10. what do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
11. Why is it important for a woman to look her best?
Because plenty of men are stupid, but few of them are blind.
12. Why do men have bigger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump your leg at a cocktail party.
13. Why do men think sex is like air?
It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any.
14. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a
little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.
15. What's the difference between a man & a whale?
Whales mate for life.
16. What's the difference between a man and yogurt?
Yogurt has culture.
17. "Well, he's obviously a sincere man," said the first woman.
"How can you tell?"
"Who would pretend to act like an butthole?"
18. How can you tell when a man is lying?
His lips move.
19. Why will there be a rash of divorces in about 15 years?
Because that's how long it will take for most husbands to get most of these jokes.
20. What do you call a woman who works for a man?
The victim.
21. Why are dogs better than men?
If you get sick of a dog, you can always have it put to sleep.
22. What's a man's idea of a seven-course meal?
Pizza and a six-pack.
23. How do you force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his legs.
24. Why do men have such big nostrils?
Just look at the size of their fingers.
25. Why did God create man?
He couldn't teach gorillas how to mow the lawn.
26. Why do men watch football?
Because it would be boring to talk about sex all the time.
27. What's the difference between a man and a cat?
One is a finicky eater who couldn't care less if you lived or died; the
other is a house pet.
28. Why do men always have stupid grins on their faces?
They're stupid.
29. What's the definition of a bad date?
He excuses himself to go call the "little woman."
30. Why do men call their wives "the little woman"?
"What?? You expect me to remember her name?"
31. If men had PMS... who could tell?
32. What's the difference between a man and childbirth?
One is an excruciating, painful, unbearable experience; the other is just having a baby.
33. Why do men drive pickup trucks?
So they'll have somewhere to put the empties.
34. What has eight legs and an IQ of 40?
Four guys watching football.
35. How can you kill a man?
Put a blonde and a pickup truck in front of him and tell him he can pick one.
36. What does a man say after sex?
Who cares?
36. What are four little words you'll never hear a man say?
"I did the dishes"
37. How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's awake.
38. Why do men get married.
Because Mom won't put up with their crap anymore.
39. What's the difference between a man and a sports car?
you see a lot of cute sports cars.
40. What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
"Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets."
41. Why do I need a husband? I already have a dog that growls every
morning, a parrot that swears every afternoon, and a cat that
comes home late at night.
42. Why are beer cans so easy to open?
Look who's drinking them.
43. No wonder men are so unhappy being men...
There is so little chance for advancement.
44. Why do men act like such morons?
Who says they're acting?
45. What's the soft, fleshy tissue that surrounds a penis.
A man.
46. The rule with no exceptions:
If it has tires or testicles, it'll be trouble.
47. Why would someone who thinks doing laundry is complicated think I need help buying a car?
48. "Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles."
49. Why don't men make ice cubes?
They can't find the recipe.
50. Only God can make a tree, but it took a man to invent dwarf-tossing.
51. What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man?
An oxymoron.
52. How do men define a long-term relationship?
A second date.
53. What do you call a man who complains all day, watches sports all night and sleeps away his weekends?
Normal.
54. How many men does it take to change a mind?
None. Once their minds are made up they never change.
55. What's the difference between a wise man and a dumb man?
Absolutely nothing. They both think they know everything.
56. What do you call a man who gets his own beer between innings?
Athletic.
57. What's the difference between men and chimpanzees?
One is hairy, smelly, and picks his butt; the other can be taught to communicate with human beings.
And number 58, my all time favorite..
Whats the difference between men and cows?
One brain cell that keeps them from pooping all over the place.
Behold the power of WOMAN!
Moderators: Shir'le E. Illios, Bhaern Quel
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Bhaern Quel
- Demigod
- Posts: 2106
- Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2006 10:32 pm
Well I found this, which might be a little better:
[quote:3tlmaxl9]Rita Rudner's
WOMEN'S 50 or so RULES FOR MEN
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set. [/quote:3tlmaxl9]
[quote:3tlmaxl9]Rita Rudner's
WOMEN'S 50 or so RULES FOR MEN
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set. [/quote:3tlmaxl9]
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Mousestalker
- Maid
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Unen_Stealthfoot
- Legend
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