The Joke Thread

Argoth · Post by **Argoth** » Thu Jan 08, 2009 5:26 pm

I'd start a contest for the most crude cliche among titles of Polish fiction novels. Some of these include:

Sword and Cross

Cross and fire

The witch and the cross

The witch

Ice

The fallen angel

Revenge of the angels

And more... But I'd vote for the 1978 winner

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Mon Jan 12, 2009 3:12 am

Ok this isn't a joke rather a news report but I found it damm funny anyway

read on....

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009 ... 460860.htm

Masturbating driver fined for 'bizarre' pleasure cruise[/size:1f8aqen2]

Posted Wed Jan 7, 2009 1:21pm AEDT
Updated Wed Jan 7, 2009 2:08pm AEDT

[i:1f8aqen2]A Darwin man has been fined $2,000 for filming himself masturbating while speeding along the Stuart Highway.

The man is already in jail until August after pleading guilty to carrying cannabis in the car boot and two plants on the back seat.

Brenton Alan Erhardt, 39, pleaded guilty in the Darwin Magistrates Court to dangerous driving.

He was pulled over by police on the Stuart Highway in July speeding at 147 kilometres per hour, south of Daly Waters.

He admitted to officers he filmed himself masturbating while driving from Adelaide to Darwin.

He also pleaded guilty to driving unlicensed, carrying two cannabis smoking pipes, administering the drug and carrying a loaded rifle.

Magistrate Sue Oliver says the driving was bizarre to say the least and conduct she expects of someone much younger.[/i:1f8aqen2]

Alaric Darkrose · Post by **Alaric Darkrose** » Mon Jan 12, 2009 4:15 am

What a creepy old man...

Argoth · Post by **Argoth** » Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:29 pm

I find this hardly disturbing.

Unen_Stealthfoot · Post by **Unen_Stealthfoot** » Sun Jan 18, 2009 1:07 am

[quote="Argoth":1ycyhev6]I find this hardly disturbing.[/quote:1ycyhev6]

[color=darkred:1ycyhev6]I find [i:1ycyhev6]this[/i:1ycyhev6] disturbing. What has happened to you, Argoth?[/color:1ycyhev6]

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 6:59 am

alright back to some real jokes

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife is mad with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won $40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife furious with him again.
Asking her what the matter was now, she tersley replied,
"Your horse phoned!"

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"

"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting..." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 8:01 am

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband loftily replied "If your going as a sour-puss, then I'm going as a dictator!"

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

This man was walking through the park one day when he couldn't help but notice a woman crying.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Talwyn is dead! Talwyn is dead!" she sobbed.

He didn't know who Talwyn was so he just continued on. Then he came upon another woman.

"Talwyn is dead!," she too sobbed. He just passed by.

Then another. And another. And another! Then he came upon a site which made him stop. What he saw was hundreds of women crowded around a street car, which had apparently been involved in an accident, who were all crying "Talwyn is dead! Talwyn is dead!".

He went up to it and there he saw the street car had ran into a man and literally torn him to pieces. All that was left of him that you could see was his arms, legs and his penis.

Well he was just startled by all this so he decided to go home. When he got home, he said to his wife: "Hey Honey, you know I just saw the darndest thing. Out on Mill Street a street car had ran into a man and cut off his penis and I swear it had to be a foot and a half long!".

"Oh no! Talwyn is dead! Talwyn is dead!" she sobbed.

[I couldn't resist inserting myself into that joke]

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Tue Jan 20, 2009 8:18 am

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea.. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck ONE goat . . . "

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Santa Claus on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Merry Christmas" under Santa.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a champagne bottle with "Happy New Year" up on her left thigh in the same spot as the right thigh..

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and New Year's Eve."

Alaric Darkrose · Post by **Alaric Darkrose** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:13 am

Wow....I need to get a girlfriend to do that.

Argoth · Post by **Argoth** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 5:59 pm

What do you mean? I'm already feeling bad as it is. The alcohole tollerance of my body has risen, thus I have to drink more, thus I have to buy more vodka and beer, thus my funds are decreasing. I feel terrible!

Alaric Darkrose · Post by **Alaric Darkrose** » Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:37 pm

[quote="Argoth":hz69ueio]What do you mean? I'm already feeling bad as it is. The alcohole tollerance of my body has risen, thus I have to drink more, thus I have to buy more vodka and beer, thus my funds are decreasing. I feel terrible![/quote:hz69ueio]I meant get the tattoos.

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 1:35 pm

this one is just for Argoth

[img:1y8bhlkn]http://i42.tinypic.com/23a4z.gif[/img:1y8bhlkn]

Argoth · Post by **Argoth** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 3:26 pm

Tank you!

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Fri Jan 30, 2009 5:30 am

Here are a list of favourite gaffes by George W Bush.

1. "Will the highways on the internet become more few?"

2. "It’s a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life"

3. "I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq"

4. "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office"

5. "We’re concerned about Aids inside our White House – make no mistake about it"

6. "I’m honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein"

7. "I’ve coined new words, like “misunderstanding”

8. "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances"

9. "It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way"

10. "One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end"

11. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn’t here"

12. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test"

13. "I don’t particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it

14. "[The Taliban] have no disregard for human life"

15. "When the governor calls, I answer his phone"

16. "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law"

17. "I think we agree, the past is over"

18. "America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness and for the unalienalienable right of life"

19. "My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions"

20. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures"

Talwyn Aureliano · Post by **Talwyn Aureliano** » Sat Feb 07, 2009 2:46 am

A husband emerged from the ensuite bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife looked up complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'

"Perfect" her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository. It's up to you."