OOC comments for The Moonlight Shadows

When you want to ask out of character questions, discuss plots, talk about roleplaying or simply present your character’s bio, this is the place to do so. Small OOC bits may be accepted in the roleplaying forums, but this is the place for the larger posts. Do keep the topics related to the roleplaying however, otherwise go to the General Discussion forum.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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OOC comments for The Moonlight Shadows

Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Ok, feel free to make your comments, suggestions etc.

[url=http://www.eilistraee.com//forums/viewt ... 9:2yjufueo][color=blue:2yjufueo]Here's the link to the draft story[/size:2yjufueo] [/color:2yjufueo][/url:2yjufueo]


First off the title is only a working one, I will probably change it later. No doubt there are still typo's and grammatical errors in the story which will be dealt with in the first major edit of the draft.

Do please note though that this is entirely in first draft form and I will most definately be revising the entire story once I've finished it. Also to add that this will be a LONG story and I am building towards the action, albiet slowly.

I envisage that this story will most likely be a trilogy but wihout divulging the major plot points, I can't tell you what is going to happen over the arc of the story ;)


:D
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Ix'Chimalxochitzin
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Post by Ix'Chimalxochitzin »

Well, it's looking good so far ^_^

First criticism coming to mind though is that you could use some blank lines between paragraphs to make everything a bit easier to read. Some sections are really looking like a wall of text, and finding where you left off after scrolling down a bit degrades the immersion factor.

So yeah... Blank line between paragraphs ^^;
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Gardas
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Post by Gardas »

It's exellent!!! I love crossover stories like this.
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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Thank you for the feedback :D

It's appreciated.


I will be re-writing a fair bit of the last two posts/installments of the story as on reflection, I fell it it doesn't flow well enough for my liking and I've deviated a bit rom my original idea. That being, maintaining the mystery of why the soldiers have been transported over to the fantasy world. Having Eilistraee take possession of Mayumi to spur the soldiers into defiending her faithful is one thing but then her delivering all this exposition is unnecessary IMO. It's also poor writing as well :-[

The new version will be better! ;)
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Thalon Mercrow
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Post by Thalon Mercrow »

figerd id post a proper comment talwyn so hear it is...commment!
but in all seriousness its a great story a D20 modern meets D&D i especily the the intercations betwwen the the eilistreans and the offworlders

my favrite secin was the celabation and its aftermath :p :devil:

keep up[ the great work my friend!
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Thanks Thalon, I'm glad you are enjoying it as much as I am writing it 8)

I've haven't had much chance to write recently, which is annoying me as I know that in order to be a writer, you must write everyday.

I will make time to get the story moving once more. :angel:
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Rooky
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Post by Rooky »

Nice job Talwyn, nothing other then those blank lines already mentioned. Although, add more drama straight at the start of the story, it's always a winner that way :D
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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Wow 8)

thanks Rooky. I really appreciate your feedback.

Indeed the opening needs to be re-worked. It's a matter of finding the right balance between introducing the characters and setting while at the same time keeping up a level of interest with drama.

I'm going to re-write some of the main characters as well.
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Ok,

I'm considering a complete redraft of the story as it stands.

I've already been making notes on the story, characters etc and can see where things can definately been improved, tightened up and made more enjoyable and entertaining.

I'm contemplating ceasing writing the story as it is now and beginning the redraft. However I'm thinking that I should at least get the first draft completed before I begin the overhaul.

In any case, the story will continue, in one form or another ;)
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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veraka
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Post by veraka »

Ok, first off, love the match up stories between the two mains characters; second, Talwyn, were you ever in the forces yourself, cause the way that you describe some of those scenes is just too real; and third, AWESOME! The level of detail in the story is just to epic. :p 8)
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T'risstree Helviiryn
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Post by T'risstree Helviiryn »

C'mon Tal *poke poke*

it's been months since you last added to this.

I know you've been away 'n stuff but stop being so lazy ;) :p
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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Ok ok

I have actually been working on it but I need a few more days to have something ready to post up.

Honestly!
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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T'risstree Helviiryn
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Post by T'risstree Helviiryn »

Good boy :devil:
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