Eilistraee.com

I beg patience for my ignorance. Until now, I have not had the benefit of clerics to guide worship of the Dark Maiden. The Spider Queen held secure domain over the city of my birth such that our gatherings were more like quiet commiserations and we feared to speak our goddess’ name even to each other.
Even so, the Temple periodically discovered –or pretended to discover – rotten elements among various houses and clans. To purge them, the priestesses held trials in which those accused must perform acts intended to prove loyalty to the Spider Queen. These included, but were not limited to, the torture and killing of other guilty members of the house, rites and rituals of the Spider Queen, and defamations of the other deities.

Does the Dark Maiden wish us to die to prove our loyalty to her… or does she understand if we deny her to save ourselves and/or others?
Is it wrong to pray that family and friends are able to do as the priestesses command so that they may survive at the cost of others?
Should we teach our children the ways of the Dark Maiden, risking our lives and theirs, or wait and pray that they become disillusioned and are able to successfully play the subtle game of discovering who else is of like mind?

T’rissrak, former sword dancer and bard of Do’Tathtel

This in some ways might not have a clear answer. Clearly in Lolth controlled cities, spies would certainly deny being a follower of another deity. This is expected. There is no test of Eilistraee that requires a follower to die for her. There is a line though that should not be crossed, or if crossed be atoned for.

One of the things I like about Eilistraee is her open minded attitude towards drow still indoctrinated by Lolth's dogma. She wants for them redemption and freedom to choose their own life and ideas, and this cannot come through impositions or tests that require followers to risk their life on order to prove loyalty.

The way the Dark Maiden uses to gain loyalty consists in making the drow understand that the life she advocates is actually possible, helping them finding their own way to freedom and redemption, but without forcing it. In order to achieve this, she shows them the beauty of what they were denied, the strength found in what they were forced to deem weak and useless (basically, her teachings). And where they were considered worthless as individuals, she gives them value for what they are (not for how much they dominate), offering them affection an kindness, opening their mind to alternatives, encouraging them to create and fulfill themselves.
Through this the goddess tries to give back the Dark Elves their own life and happiness, i.e. the possibility to express themselves freely, through choices that belong to them, and that are not imposed by some random deity/society/mechanism/whatever.

In all of this there is no place for something as cruel as asking sacrifice of lives to prove loyalty. This is a tool of tyranny, typical of the Spider Queen, whose very ideas and methods Eilistraee wants to prove wrong. The risk of death is very present tho, as there's rooted prejudice towards drow among many races (and for some reason lolthite drow enjoy destroying ''heretics'' wherever they are found). So the sacrifices that may occur are the ones made to defend the (small and rare) communities that are vulnerable to attacks when their location becomes known, but absolutely nothing made to glorify in any way the goddess.

Thank you both for your answers; you have helped to ease my mind.