The Joke Thread

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Rainbow Prism
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Rainbow Prism » Thu Feb 02, 2012 11:11 am

Question: Why gorillas have big nostrils?

Answer: They have big fingers.

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Rainbow Prism
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Rainbow Prism » Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:02 am

Drunk comes out of the bar, heading home, barely conscious. Entering his flat, he sees mirror at the hallway and sees his reflection, eyes widening.
"Who the hell are you? This is my house!"
Getting no reply, but seeing that he mimics his actions, drunk wobbled, coming closer and snarling.
"Cut it out, or I'll smash ye!"
Of course, reflection copied that too. Angry drunkard hit the mirror with his fist, shattering it to smithereens. Satisfied, man sneered.
"See what I told ya? Now gather your glasses and get out."

Rhei Lor'akris
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Rhei Lor'akris » Sun Feb 12, 2012 6:20 am

From Ahajokes.com - Aviation. :D

[quote:3eriwkrk]Airlines running operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.[/quote:3eriwkrk]

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Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind » Mon Mar 05, 2012 5:30 pm

I wish I was a female tiger.
Because then, whenever I was talking to someone
and then I got off-topic I could say
"but I tigress"
and eat them
because, I'm a tiger.
Image

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Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind » Sat Jul 28, 2012 5:46 am

So I was visiting a friend, and over breakfast I asked to borrow his newspaper.
"Ha, you're so behind the times!" He says. "You can just borrow my kindle instead, it's just better in every way."
I disagreed, and said I'd rather have a newspaper, but he insisted again and again that the kindle was better until eventually I gave in.
That fly never knew what hit it.
Image

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T'rissrak
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Re: The Joke Thread

Post by T'rissrak » Tue Sep 04, 2012 1:13 am

Tales from my time in retail:

A customer walks up to me while I am marked by a fashionable polo shirt with the logo of the company on it.
"Do you work here?"
"No, ma'am... I just like the shirt."

While shopping in the next store over (whose color is famously red) during my lunch break, wearing the same fashionable polo shirt (which is dark blue), a customer walks up to me.
"Do you work here?"
"Yes, ma'am... how clever of you to see through my disguise."

My personal favorite:
"This item is not on the shelf, do you have it in the back?"
"Yes, sir. We like to hide things from our customers... This making money by selling things seems way too good to be true."

"Why don't you have this in stock?"
"I called our supplier to hold the order just to ruin your day, ma'am."
Or:
"Could you please belittle me for being unable sell you the item, sir? Earning about $200 a week, I feel way too good about my life right now."

For the crime of continuing to serve a customer while a second was waiting:
"I am dreadfully sorry, sir. Please pay twice as much for this item so that we may hire another person and ensure your royal highness never has to wait again."

All purpose answer:
"How clever of you to see through my disguise as a lowly sales associate. I am, indeed, really the CEO so it is definately all my fault."
Add when necessary: "Even the part where you failed to read the label/directions/warnning/etc. It was a failure on my part not to present important information in the form of a cartoon."
Usstan aske’th lil drathir / Lu’l’sssiks ‘udtila naut zhaun / Usstan jousus ussta flamgran / Lu’l’drathir jialaus a ussa

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