The Joke Thread

This forum is to post all the fun, weird and wonderful things you come across on your travels (on the Internet). Movies, flash, pictures, stories… if you think it's something enjoyable and want to share it with the rest of us then this is the place to post it.

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Gareth Ravenmantle
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Post by Gareth Ravenmantle »

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."







Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever
smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's
your excuse then?"
Argoth
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Post by Argoth »

The movie is an erotic movie, but its far more funny than erotic. I watched it like a regular comedy, not soft porn. And its incredible.

[youtube:2kbcfl56]hoj6JWcRSOk[/youtube:2kbcfl56]
Argoth
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Post by Argoth »

Here's a quiz. In the middle of a glade lies a dead body with a backpack and a pack of flies hums over it. What's inside the backpack?



A parachute.


Music lesson in school. The teacher says they'll be guessing what is the title of his works, basing on a picture drawn on the blackboard. John rises and draws a huge cock. The teacher asks:
-What's this supposed to be?
-"For Eliza".

The wolf was going through the forest and suddenly noticed naked Red Riding Hood lying on the leafs.
-Red, don't you know someone might hurt you?
-That's what I'm counting on.-said Red lewdly
So the wolf broke her arms.

What happens when you drink a lot of vodka?
Tomorow.
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

[color=darkblue:zao0j966]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....


make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?





















Scroll down




























The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly :devil: [/color:zao0j966]
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Arya Baenre
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Post by Arya Baenre »

A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
This --->Image<--- is NOT a request.


Your hair is pretty like a tree.
Zarae Zyne Kilanatlar
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Twenty Things I Learned at Melee-Magthere

Post by Zarae Zyne Kilanatlar »

Is it a dog? Is it a man? Maybe it's both! Why?
1. They lie around all day, sprawled out on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they can't hear you even when you're in the same room.
3. They leave their toys everywhere.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be left alone, they still want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you feed them and rub their tummies.
9. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
10. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
Conclusion: Dogs are tiny little men in fur coats.

Is it a cat? Is it a woman? Maybe it's both! Why?
1. They do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They can drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg.
10. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny little women in fur coats.
Last edited by Zarae Zyne Kilanatlar on Fri Dec 25, 2009 9:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Narsia Ny'Dhun
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Post by Narsia Ny'Dhun »

Words to live by:

Give a man to fish and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life.
Harl l'drathir udos alure, Eilistraee lu'Anixiel ulu kyorl udossa zuch
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

staying with the man on fire theme, Hitler has planned the next Burning Man :p



[youtube:3lh1e29j]CV4i7dWeu0c[/youtube:3lh1e29j]
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

[b:v1s4en8p]ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND[/b:v1s4en8p]

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as whenthey were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim


EDITOR'S NOTE:


Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Terri, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.



:devil:
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Argoth
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Post by Argoth »

What a horrible way to die. How vile, and yet, how true.
Rhei Lor'akris
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Post by Rhei Lor'akris »

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
Thalon Mercrow
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Post by Thalon Mercrow »

an airplane is going down and there are three pasengers abord gerogr w bush,the pope,and a little boy but there are only two parachutes bush says to the other two "im the bestist and smateist leadear amrica has ever had, the contry needs me!" so he grabs a pacut and jumps out

the pope turns to the little boy and says "im old and frail and my time is nearand if it will save you then i shall remain on the plane while you escape"

the boy smiles and sys to the pope" its ok mister pope sir we can both go, our bestist and smateist leadear amrica has ever had took my backpack full of rocks"
Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind
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Post by Ra'Sona Races-The-Wind »

How many people with ADHD does it take to change a ligthbulb?

....... *looks out of the window, fiddles with pens, looks back up* Huh?
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Inriiaynrae Jaelre
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Post by Inriiaynrae Jaelre »

I haven been able to ..oooo shiney!

awww its just a penny. wait i found gum in my pocket. theres where that note went. lets play hopscotch.
wait, what was the question again?
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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

:devil:

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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