The Joke Thread

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

:devil:

There was a lawyer, a priest, and a class of young bible school children on a week long winter cruise. A few days into the vacation the ship hits an iceberg and it begins to sink. The priest readies a lifeboat for their escape.

The kids, as instructed, form a single file line to get off the ship and, just as they’re about to board the lifeboat, the the lawyer runs pass them and jumps into the small inflateable raft and demands of the priest “Let’s Go!”

In shock, the priest says to the lawyer “What about the children?” The lawyner says, “Screw the children!” The priest, assuming the laywer is likely smarter than him, replies “Do we have time for that?”
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Argoth
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Post by Argoth »

Great, like in the movie Black Sheep.

-What about the sheep?
-Fuck the sheep!
-We've no time for that! (or something of that sort)
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

[color=red:aurni0ai][b:aurni0ai]Texas Chilli [/b:aurni0ai] [/size:aurni0ai]




[i:aurni0ai]
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. [/i:aurni0ai]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:


"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my Ass with a snow cone.


Chilli # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chilli

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli.

[/color:aurni0ai] :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil:
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Argoth
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Post by Argoth »

Touche, it was already here on the forums... somewhere... I remember almost crapping my pants laughing when I read it the first time. And now, the effect was similar. :)
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

heres a link to a very amusing joke


http://www.eureka4wd.com.au/images/news ... d_time.pdf
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Argoth
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Post by Argoth »

That was amazing.
Rhei Lor'akris
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Post by Rhei Lor'akris »

[b:2qkd3t52]AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!![/b:2qkd3t52][/size:2qkd3t52]
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

[center:2unnl5gv][color=blue:2unnl5gv]Words of Wisdom[/size:2unnl5gv][/color:2unnl5gv][/center:2unnl5gv]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

[u:2unnl5gv]16. [b:2unnl5gv]There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.[/b:2unnl5gv][/u:2unnl5gv]

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

UNDERSTANDING MEN[/size:1wnj2csg]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling Roadside Assistance is not an option. I will win.



Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.


Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.


Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).


Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.



Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.



Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.



Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?



Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, the shopping, the weeding and lawn mowing, wash the car, organise for all the bills to be paid on time, and do the banking, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do


:angel:
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Argoth
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Post by Argoth »

It was like looking at my life from the outside...
Rhei Lor'akris
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Post by Rhei Lor'akris »

[url=http://airspeedonline.blogspot.com/2008 ... l:l4lvrq43]Too lazy to post it here, so here's the original link instead[/url:l4lvrq43] :p
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Natalie Portman goes bad ass


:devil:

[youtube:1mei2cji]v8e6-IeQ0aw[/youtube:1mei2cji]
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Argoth
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Post by Argoth »

Ha LOL! Love it. Her. Love. Whatever.
Vasriina Frerahel
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Post by Vasriina Frerahel »

[color=olive:2i9mq5cy]Oooh, my link isn't working. I'm gonna miss out on the joke. :'( :) [/color:2i9mq5cy]
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DoesItMatterWho
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Post by DoesItMatterWho »

Why do skeletons not dance?
They have no-body to dance with!

ASSAULT RIFLE TEAM THETA FOUR! COMMENCE FIRING!
Always remember - you can't have manslaughter without laughter.
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