Will Men Ever Learn?

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jameslt0
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Will Men Ever Learn?

Post by jameslt0 »

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest is barely above my waist, and my backside is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[i:2i2iqtps]Services for the husband will be held 10:30 Saturday morning at Brown Funeral Home.[/i:2i2iqtps]
Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

That's funny! :angel:
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!



"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"



And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"



"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"



And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.



She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.



I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them."



He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

One for the ladies :

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower
and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
.....................................................................
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If
that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Talwyn Aureliano
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

and finally:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes,I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Shir'le E. Illios
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Post by Shir'le E. Illios »

I think I've seen/heard most of those before in one form or another; but they're still funny. :D


Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le
F'sarn natha tithaur wun l'su'aco.

-= Shir'le E. Illios =-
Chosen of Eilistraee
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